2020 - The Year of Vulnerability

A New Year

We all start the new year with the thought of this is it; this is my year. Perhaps we are ready to leave behind certain things in the previous year. We vie for the opportunity to be better. I, like everyone else, could have never imagined what 2020 would hold. We are only at the mid-point, but one thing I have already taken away from 2020 is that I need to be more vulnerable.

Maybe I was forced into that with a global pandemic and that whole weird immune system thing (cue my common variable immune deficiency (CVID) diagnosis taking a bow). It all started in early February, where I ended up in the hospital for three days. It was the first time I had spent the night in the hospital since September 1999, the exact month and year I was diagnosed.

See, I am fortunate that my CVID has not manifested in any additional co-morbidities. I have worked hard to build a fantastic team of doctors that support me and can manage me no matter what city I am in at the time. I travel a lot for my job and have traveled a lot since graduating from college. Back to February, I had just gotten home from a long week of meetings in Orlando. I had also been traveling quite a bit prior. See, I work in the same industry that treats patients like me, and often that drives me to feel like I need to work harder than everybody else. I have found that when required, even when I am the most exhausted, I have another gear. To me, my work matters. It is personal.

I came home from that Orlando trip and was getting sick. I went into the office to show my face, and finally, my boss said what I already knew, you look horrible and need to go home. Climbing the stairs to where my car was parked, I was out of breath at my floor. I had to stop. I couldn't breathe. Immediately, I ran through everything it could be in my head, and finally figured out I have pneumonia, which I have had several times in my CVID journey. I woke up the next day to get an X-Ray and then was off to the hospital. My wife was sick at home, and my young son was also ill. It looked like they had an upper respiratory infection by all accounts, not nearly as bad as me, but I probably gave it to them in my quest to prove I am invincible.

CVID, a form of Primary Immunodeficiency, has a funny way of doing that to you. It reminds you when it needs to that you are vulnerable. I arrived at the hospital, and it was a 4-hour wait to see a doctor in the ER. I explained everything to the nurse at intake, and she put me at a higher risk and moved me up to only an hour wait. Within three hours, I received X-rays, confirmed a diagnosis of my second bout with influenza A, and confirmed pneumonia. By 9 pm that night, I was checked into a hospital room, and for the first time in a long time, I had to look at myself in the mirror and admit my vulnerability. Hell, I even looked the part.

My wife came to see me the next day, her parents came down to help, and I will NEVER erase her sitting at the foot of my hospital bed in tears. It hit me deep. At this moment, I was the sickest she had ever seen me. The doctor's made me stay the extra night because they said," you are not the type of person to rest, so we will force you to rest." When I finally was able to go home, I was almost bedridden for two weeks while I recovered. After five doctor's appointments, additional meds, and x-rays, I was cleared to travel and was on my way to Barcelona, Spain, which the week after I returned home was ravaged with COVID 19. Yeah, I know what you are thinking, this guy is nuts and did not learn his lesson.

COVID-19

By the second week of March, COVID-19 was starting to hit in my area. I talked to my doctor, and he grounded me from travel, and we began to work up a plan. Two days later, I had to admit again, I was not like everyone else, I was vulnerable, and I needed to start saying that to other people. For the first time in my career, I sat across from my boss and asked if I could have an exception, I needed to work from home, I could not risk my health, or that of my family, especially my young son. I had never needed an exception, I am set up to work anywhere in the world, so when I need a day or two, I am very fortunate that I can take that time.

The week after I started working from home, my wife's company began taking precautions, asking employees who needed accommodations. I felt sick that my wife had to ask for accommodations to be the first to work from home because of me. We have been fortunate and blessed that we both work for amazing companies. Neither of us has worked from an office since early March. My company is coming back, and literally, several coworkers have called me to say you better not be the first person back in the office. You should be the last one to return. They knew I would want to be the first one to show everyone else I could do it.

Several years ago, I talked to another patient, someone I have only met once or twice, but consider a friend. I was in a tough place at the time, and she challenged me to come up with a word. One word that I would strive for in the year ahead. You know who you are. Without intentionally picking one this year, my word would be vulnerable. By being more vulnerable, I can be a better husband, a better dad, a better advocate, and, most importantly, a better me.

Editorial Comment

I want to comment on the state of today. I think we all have an opportunity to step outside our comfort zone. Perhaps if we all would take the opportunity to be a little more vulnerable, we could learn something new, make a new friend, understand a new point of view, and, most importantly, we could be a little better.